Locked and Loaded.

Probably. Truth is I am not super enjoying this whole idea I came up with. I don’t want to revel in my assault, but it feels too important to just ignore. I feel like a loser baby child even speaking to it now. I just wish I could move my mind and heart past it all and dig deep and just fucking write already.

I hate it. Not writing and coming up with all kinds of bullshit reasons to justify laziness/writer’s block. I know that it’s simply a matter of sitting down and making the time. No buts. That’s it. I honestly don’t even know if I believe in the whole writer’s block thing.

Chalk it up to falling out of a habit or never having one to begin with. I have gotten to a point in my life where I have, for the moment, accepted that I will write on the side, but will never be a professional writer and well I am not sure how I feel about it. It sort of feels like giving up, but at the same time the honesty rings true.

Maybe that’s all it is. The trick to writing. Stop trying to do all the other bullshit attached to it nowadays and just write. So many people get caught up in branding or twitter or blogging and it all just seems so stupid if you aren’t published or at the very least have some semblance of a reader base. We have gotten so caught up on being the best from the get go that we forget most of us will toil away in anonymity for years and that’s just for those of us lucky enough to get discovered.

I certainly give no fucks about money and I find a lot of joy and meaning in my day job. I guess in a way I am lucky that I have a passion (storytelling) and am in a field that puts good back into the world. So what if I never make a dime writing? Who gives a flying fuck if no one ever reads my slop?

I think I am getting to the point where I don’t. I just want to finish this shit. I just want to write proudly and foolishly. I want to finish a goddamn book already. I could fill a bookshelf with all of my partially finished shit. And it is shit. First draft garbage. It’s embarrassing. I need to be so much better than what I am before I can allow myself to even fantasize about publishing and making millions.

Well that’s this stream of consciousness entry for the challenge I am doing at the moment. You’ll see me daily for the next 20 days? I think that’s how long this thing is…. maybe 30. I could check, but… nah.

Last thing. I think I am just going to use this blog to work through the blog and then I’ll quit it. Move onto something bigger, but not necessarily better… or bigger. Just something else once I get the habit.