We all know what it is. The long slow death of a writer. Depression for writers. Killing you from the inside. Hindering you from doing the very thing that gives you purpose. Over the years I’ve read a lot about it. Camps that would argue for or against it’s existence. I’m not here to take either side. I desire to write again. Fully and freely. I don’t care what it is. I just want to destroy it.
Needless to say there is something that has prevented me from doing the one thing that makes sense to me. Storytelling. I can’t seem to get more than a few thousand words deep before my brain shuts down. I lose all concentration. My focus is gone. It hasn’t been the same since that night.
The last (and final) time I spoke to my therapist he told me to write, in detail, about that night. I refused. With every fiber of my being, I refused. I told him that the man responsible had taken so much from me that I would not give him this last and most sacred part of me. I would never write about him. Not like that.
My therapist thought he struck gold. Finally seeing a relation to this man and my writing or lack thereof. However, it was no secret to me that there is an obvious connection to my inability to complete a story due to a desire I have to protect this last part of me. I think for many writers we work out the issues we have in life on paper. To not write about it goes against the grain.
I can no longer trust my therapist. I can only trust this. Writing. It is all I have. I have written about that night and kept it for myself. I write now to dismantle the hurdle in front of me. I do so publicly (albeit anon), because it feels less like mine. To keep it in a notebook buried in the closet will keep it mine. To blog about it and throw it back into the world makes it ours. Not all writers can relate to my reason for blocking, but we have all experienced it. In a way. Talking about it like this helps me feel better. Less anxious. More motivated.
My only desire is to get back to writing actively and with purpose. There is no ultimate goal with this blog. If you are looking for answers, well I’m afraid I have none to give. If you find this helpful for whatever reason, then that’s wonderful.