Most interesting person I have met this year is the protagonist from my latest novel. Yeah. Commence ego stroking.
She is the role model I would have liked to have as a kid. Bad-ass and flawed she resonates with the characters I admired in youth. The thing is though I cannot go into deep detail about her. Not because I don’t know every facet of her life and personality. Rather due to I am not ready to show her the world yet.
She is still incubating. I do not want to talk about her until I am ready. What can I say? It’s just not go time yet. Maybe I need to finish ironing out the story and commit it to paper or something. All I know is that for right now I am not discussing her on my blog in any more detail than this.
Here it is.
I love you.
I never needed anything to come of it. I accepted it for what it was. Still your respect was necessary for us to continue forward. Down this path of friendship. But you ruined it. Oh well. Better luck next time. So long.
I do not want to see your face or hear your voice. The final straw might not have been one that I had a right to be upset about, but nevertheless it still broke the proverbial camel’s back. I should have walked away from you back then. I doubt that you’ll notice or care at all.
I can’t be your friend, because you haven’t been one to me. I can’t believe it took me so long, but I have finally had it. Had it with you. With your bullshit.
Goddammit. I really fucking hate you.
The first song that I thought about in terms of significance to my life in this moment is, “Call It Off” by Tegan and Sara. It so encapsulates the feelings I have toward a close friend of mine who almost became something more, but never will. We are close and have a deep love for each other. When we met it was love at first sight, but it was never actualized due to their being in a relationship at the time. We made the time to stay friends. Sometimes it’s hard. Other times it feels right. At the end of the day many of Tegan and Sara’s songs ring true, but I’ve been listening to them for over ten years, so maybe they just get me.
There are few things more unsettling than wanting to say goodbye, but not having the courage or strength to walk away entirely really sucks. Not that I want to be with this person in a romantic way. I now know them too well to know that they have a lot that they need to work on, but… I do still love them. And that sucks.
Death Cab’s “Someday You Will Be Loved” is a classic when I am in the need in of a good cry. On the surface this song just seems so cruel and harsh, but after listening to it so many times I realized how sweet the sentiment actually is. My friend called me the other day to tell me that her friend’s fiance had just called the wedding off. She wanted advice on what she should say, because she was too emotionally invested in the couple to think clearly.
I told her that I thought in the long run he did her a favor by breaking off the wedding. She didn’t get left at the altar nor will she have to go through a divorce once he finally did work up the courage to leave. Breaking up sucks. It always hurts. It’s always shitty. If you’re the breaker-upper then you are automatically the bad guy. Had he lead her on it would’ve been more painful in the long run and at least he was honest about it. It will suck for awhile, but she will absolutely get through it and will be great in time.
Honesty can be very painful, but I would rather know that I am not loved or valued by that person.
“Origin of Love” from Hedwig and the Angry Inch.
This song is inspired by Plato’s Symposium. As a philosophical nerd it appeals to my appreciation of ancient texts. Also, the visuals throughout the video are wonderfully done. If you haven’t watched that movie, you should. It will change your life.
I would write more on it, but honestly I think it’s one of those things that should be watched and simply appreciated for what it is.
Blamo! Day 3 DONE!
I only know of this place through pictures. A cozy one room cabin nestled deep in the woods. In my mind there is a lake nearby it could even have a rope swing. I am going here in a month to spend the first vacation I will have had in my adult life. I can see it now.
Waking with the dawn under a patchwork quilt in a handmade log cabin. To my left there is a table and on it a borrowed sea-foam green typewriter. My manuscript next to it with lines of text hammered onto each page. I grunt as I roll to my side not wanting to get out of bed. Still. There must be coffee.
Next to the mini fridge sits a compact coffee maker. I have used it more the last three days than it has been used since it found it’s home here. I crack open the cheap coffee container and scoop the grounds into the filter. Soon there will be coffee. Soon all will be right in the world.
I have only eaten ramen and cereal with a side of canned green beans (french cut) and fruit. I wanted to eat like a true recluse. It has been three days since I have spoken to anyone. No television. No phone. No radio.
Just me a typewriter and coffee. While I did bring a few books with me to take on the trails I have spent most of my time writing. I stayed awake into the early morning hours and at who knows what time I finally finished a book.
It is awful. The book I mean. But I finished it. I wrote a book. It is there. On the table. It is real. I can touch it. After all this time. It is finally this tangible thing in the world. And I made it happen.
I sit on the porch drinking my coffee and I don’t think about how the quality of the book. I know there will be many a rewrite and edit to come. The important thing is that I finished something. And I can hold it in my hand.
Probably. Truth is I am not super enjoying this whole idea I came up with. I don’t want to revel in my assault, but it feels too important to just ignore. I feel like a loser baby child even speaking to it now. I just wish I could move my mind and heart past it all and dig deep and just fucking write already.
I hate it. Not writing and coming up with all kinds of bullshit reasons to justify laziness/writer’s block. I know that it’s simply a matter of sitting down and making the time. No buts. That’s it. I honestly don’t even know if I believe in the whole writer’s block thing.
Chalk it up to falling out of a habit or never having one to begin with. I have gotten to a point in my life where I have, for the moment, accepted that I will write on the side, but will never be a professional writer and well I am not sure how I feel about it. It sort of feels like giving up, but at the same time the honesty rings true.
Maybe that’s all it is. The trick to writing. Stop trying to do all the other bullshit attached to it nowadays and just write. So many people get caught up in branding or twitter or blogging and it all just seems so stupid if you aren’t published or at the very least have some semblance of a reader base. We have gotten so caught up on being the best from the get go that we forget most of us will toil away in anonymity for years and that’s just for those of us lucky enough to get discovered.
I certainly give no fucks about money and I find a lot of joy and meaning in my day job. I guess in a way I am lucky that I have a passion (storytelling) and am in a field that puts good back into the world. So what if I never make a dime writing? Who gives a flying fuck if no one ever reads my slop?
I think I am getting to the point where I don’t. I just want to finish this shit. I just want to write proudly and foolishly. I want to finish a goddamn book already. I could fill a bookshelf with all of my partially finished shit. And it is shit. First draft garbage. It’s embarrassing. I need to be so much better than what I am before I can allow myself to even fantasize about publishing and making millions.
Well that’s this stream of consciousness entry for the challenge I am doing at the moment. You’ll see me daily for the next 20 days? I think that’s how long this thing is…. maybe 30. I could check, but… nah.
Last thing. I think I am just going to use this blog to work through the blog and then I’ll quit it. Move onto something bigger, but not necessarily better… or bigger. Just something else once I get the habit.